Her Need: Honesty & Openness
Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. Some people have a need for such a relationship because honesty and openness give us a sense of security.
To feel secure, we want accurate information about our spouse’s thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. If a spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust can be undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. We can’t trust the signals that are being sent and we have no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to each other, we feel off balance; instead of growing together, we grow apart.
During WWII, the Navy tried to determine where they needed to up-armor their aircraft to ensure they came back home. They ran an analysis of where planes had been shot up and came up with this graphic. Obviously it seemed, the places that needed to be up-armored were the red dots.
Abraham Wald, a statistician, disagreed. He thought they should better armor the nose area, engines, and mid-body. This seemed to be crazy, of course.
Except, Mr. Wald realized what the others didn’t. The planes were getting shot there too, but they weren’t making it home. What the Navy thought it had done was analyze where aircraft were suffering the most damage. What they had actually done was analyze where aircraft could suffer the most damage without catastrophic failure. All of the places that weren’t hit? Those places had been shot there and crashed. They weren’t looking at the whole sample set, only the survivors.
Aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, there are some of us who feel happy and fulfilled when our spouse reveals his or her most private thoughts to us. We can also feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, one that can and should be met in marriage.
Captain Abrashoff’s ship, the USS Benfold
Making Mistakes
There is a powerful truth that `humility comes before honor, but pride comes before a fall.”
Former US Navy Captain Michael Abrashoff writes in his book, It’s Your Ship “Whenever I could not get the results I wanted, I swallowed my temper and turned inward to see if I was part of the problem.
I asked myself 3 questions:
Did I clearly articulate the goals?
Did I give people enough time and resources to accomplish the task?
Did I give them enough training?
He discovered that 90 percent of the time, he was at least as much a part of the problem as his people were.”
Admitting our mistakes and taking responsibility for them will allow us to go the next step in our relationships.
Humility comes before honor.