Her Need: Conversation
Unlike sex, conversation is not a need that can be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. If it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will deposit so many love units that you may fall in love with that person. So if it’s your need, be sure that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.
Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests, and plans for the future.
After marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her and spends his spare time watching television or reading. If your need for conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you expect it to be after marriage.
If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don’t have much of a need for it. If you have a craving just to talk to someone, if you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking, if you enjoy conversation in its own right, consider conversation to be one of your most important emotional needs.
Numerous books and articles have been written about the art of quality conversations. Some tips on how to listen well:
Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full attention.
Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. If you are doing something that you cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A positive approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Most spouses will respect such a request.
Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot _______.” That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.
Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she or he is really thinking and feeling.
Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. If you give your undivided attention while you are talking, your spouse will refrain from defending themselves or hurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating their position. The goal is to discover your spouse’s thoughts and feelings. The objective is not to defend yourself or to set them straight. It is to understand them.
The “Great Communicator”
Many American presidents have made an impact on our country as great communicators but only one president has been called the “Great Communicator,” and that was Ronald Reagan.
When speaking in public, he came across as a relaxed, likable and competent leader.
Reagan was so popular because when he spoke, people knew that he was the real deal. There is a saying that, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)
Reagan was a great communicator not just because of his experience but because when he spoke people knew that he meant it. When it came to leading the country, people knew who he was, where he stood and what he wanted…and they couldn’t wait to get on board with him.
Self-revelation does not come easy for some people. Many adults grew up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but condemned. To request a toy was to receive a lecture on the sad state of family finances. The child went away feeling guilty for having the desire, and he quickly learned not to express his desires. When he expressed anger, the parents responded with harsh and condemning words. Thus, the child learned that expressing angry feelings is not appropriate. If the child was made to feel guilty for expressing disappointment at not being able to go to the store with his father, he learned to hold his disappointment inside. By the time we reach adulthood, many of people have learned to deny their feelings. We are no longer in touch with our emotional selves.
If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home. Carry a small notepad and keep it with you daily. Three times each day, ask yourself, “What emotions have I felt in the last three hours? What did I feel on the way to work when the driver behind me was riding my bumper? What did I feel when I stopped at the gas station and the automatic pump did not shut off and the side of the car was covered in gas? What did I feel when I got to the office and found that the project I was working on has to be completed in three days when I thought I had another two weeks?”
Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word or two to help you remember the event corresponding to the feeling
Do that exercise three times a day and you will develop an awareness of your emotional nature. Using your notepad, communicate your emotions and the events briefly with your spouse as many days as possible.
Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our physiological responses to the events of life. Based on our thoughts and emotions, we eventually make decisions.