Words of Affirmation
Encouraging Words
Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.
Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often a lack of courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst.
Kind Words
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. The statement, “I love you,” when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love. But what about “I love you?” The question mark changes the whole meaning of those three words. Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another. We are sending double messages. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.
Humble Words
Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become a parent and she the child. In marriage, we are equal, adult partners. We are not perfect to be sure, but we are adults and we are parents. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.
More Ways to Affirm
You also may want to try giving indirect words of affirmation – that is, saying positive things about your spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love.
To remind yourself that, “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following 3X5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT!
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT!
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT!
For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day.
On Monday, I said:
“You did a great job on this meal.”
“You really look nice in that outfit.”
“I appreciate your picking up the dry cleaning.”
On Tuesday, I said : …
You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements).
As you watch TV, read, or listen to people’s conversations, look for words of affirmation that people use. Write those affirming statements in a notebook or keep them electronically. Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you use it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare! You may someday find your love letter tucked away in some special place. Words are important!
Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in her presence.
JOHN PAUL JONES
John Paul Jones was the “father of the United States Navy” who famously said, “I have not yet begun to fight.”
He was brave, bold, passionate … and not the kindest of men.
John Paul Jones was the protégé of Benjamin Franklin who saw this fault in him and wrote him a letter once where he said, “Hereafter, if you should observe an occasion to give your officers and friends a little more praise than is their due, and confess more fault than you can justly be charged with, you will only become the sooner for it, a Great Captain.
Criticizing and censuring almost everyone you have to do with will diminish friends, increase enemies, and thereby hurt your affairs.”
There is a very true saying that we should “Be kind…everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle that you know nothing about.”
Sometimes we can fall into the easy trap, of “speaking rashly which is like the cutting of a sword.” However, “what the wise person says brings healing.”
This is a big deal for us because when people know that our “default mode” is to encourage them, it draws people to us. This is what social scientists call the Primacy Effect, what is the primary impression that our people have of us?
As Franklin encouraged John Paul Jones, we can ask ourselves, “What positive, encouraging thing can I say to each person I will see today to build on the Primacy Effect?”
