Pilot Challenges
Unique Causes of Marital Breakdown Among Pilots
Having spent the majority of my adult life as a professional pilot, I can say that it is hard, it’s really hard. Most airlines now have nearly seven out of ten pilots who have been previously married. The question becomes, if professional pilots are a population which, when compared to the general population, have higher education levels, more developed leadership and social skills then why is their rate of marital breakdown significantly higher than their peers?
As has been observed, “Most of these pilots are extremely intelligent, have remarkable backgrounds and are the nicest people. Many of these pilots have fought in wars defending their country, flown at speeds faster than sound in parts of the world I can’t even pronounced. How is it that these amazing individuals can accomplish so much but yet fall victim to another divorce?” Is it really that difficult? Why do some stay married their entire career, yet others in the same profession get divorced after 30 years? Can it really be that more than 75 percent of us make horrible decisions when picking a spouse.”
There are many ideas circulating among pilots as to why there is such a high rate of marital breakdown. During informational interviews, comments have been made such as, “Is it because we are gone from home for too long?” “How about the cheating factor?” “Do our relationships suffer from more divorces as a result of affairs and unfaithfulness? If so, is it the fact that we are away from home and that there is more opportunity to cheat?” “Could it be our personalities that lead us into temptations?”
After numerous years of observation, informational interviews and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that there are four main contributors to the high divorce rate among pilots. These four contributors are (1) lifestyle, (2) over-emphasis on career, (3) authority issues, and (4) personality patterns.
Lifestyle
The pattern of intense times away from family followed by intense time with family can create a disruptive social pattern if the family unit does not adapt adequately to the rhythmic nature of their social interactions. There can come a point in a pilot’s career where they begin to realize that they and their spouse are living in parallel but separate worlds. For this reason, it has been observed that for this lifestyle to be sustained and to maintain the security of the marriage relationship that, “whomever you end up with needs to be independent and able to run things while you are away. Trust is also vital to any relationship that is to endure our careers.”
It has been observed that marriages that start while already in this career usually have a higher success rate than those that started before beginning that type of lifestyle. Counter to this observation, couples who meet in college face a more difficult challenge when, after college, one of them goes off to become a military pilot. They are used to one lifestyle and see each other often. Some are able to adapt and do great while others find it far more difficult. In this situation, a prospective married couple must recognize their capability in what they are willing to deal with in a relationship, and then they must stay true to those limitations.”
This lifestyle is also difficult on children. The children of pilots know that when daddy goes to work, mommy’s rules are back in play (or vice versa), and they can adjust to them once the pilot leaves again.
The spouses of pilots have shared that it was so frustrating to have their pilot come home because they would have their own schedule to get things done, and the minute the pilot walked in the door they would take over. Then to top things off, they could sense the disappointment in their pilot spouse and that would make them even more frustrated. Instead of the pilot focusing on what a great job their spouse did the entire time they were gone, they would focus on the things that weren’t done when they expected them to be done. The spouses have said that they would run things just fine when their pilot was gone away on trips. On the opposite side of the situation, the pilots have said that they felt like they would have to work while away, and then also have to work while at home.
These are just some of the friction points that the pilot lifestyle can generate.
Over-Emphasis on Career
A stressor that professional pilot families face is an over-emphasis on career. It has been said, “the aviation industry is very much like Disney World. It’s unique and special, lots of people want to go there and it costs an arm and a leg to get in.” Although the level of competitiveness for a professional pilot position varies over years due to the prevailing economic climate and need, it is never easy to obtain a pilot position. During an informational interview, one pilot summed it up this way, “flying puts you in control of a machine that puts you in a transcended spot between time and space. That is where you have been and where you will always long to be. But that is not life.”
Authority Issues
An issue that seems to be a common challenge among the families of professional pilots is that pilots tend to, “like structure and organization; it’s how we operate in a cockpit and comes natural to us.” The pilot sets the tone and they are in charge, people look up to them for guidance, and not much goes on without their being informed of it.” When pilots fly airplanes, or are part of a crew, they are basically actors in a play. They have a precise “script,” they learn and memorize it, and then they go perform. Rarely do circumstances call for us to totally venture off the script.” This can be in stark contrast to a family with young children.
To spend a significant amount to time functioning in one type of environment and then to have to adjust rapidly to a radically different type of environment creates a lot of friction and straining of relationships. So how do people achieve peace? How can they change from one situation to another with their behavior, especially since they are in a career that requires them to act one way at work that is different from how they would act with people in a personal environment? That is a tough question. Many people do not change and bring home their behaviors from work. They find out that those behaviors that are the rules for success at work do not apply to rules for success at home. Therefore, they do not have good relationships at home.
On the other hand, people who have learned how to think of work rules and home rules of behavior separately do very well in relationships. It is a learned skill to switch behaviors to what fits at home. How they treat others, particularly the people who are their loved ones, when no one is looking especially defines their values.
Personality Traits
As was said by an Air Force pilot and wing commander, “pilots are ego-maniacs”. Professional pilots are where they are today because of their personality. They are determined, focused, and motivated to accomplish what they set out to do. Otherwise, they would have quit the pursuit of this career a long time ago. For the majority, they were focused for a long time on the pursuit of this career, finally obtaining their dream job. The challenge for them when they begin to raise a family, is that instead of letting go of their motivation to reach this goal, they must try to redirect that same motivation to their personal lives. As one pilot has written, “here is where one of the greatest challenges stems from in our lives. Our personality is driven on planning, seeing things that need to be done and doing them. We often times come home, and since we have been in charge, feel like that can continue at home. But I’ve got news for you, that just simply doesn’t work. It’s not fair to your spouse, not fair to the kids, and not fair to you.” The people who truly and honestly learn to be self-aware of these personality traits and seek to learn and make the necessary changes, are usually the ones who have the “happily ever after.”